Promises A Jagged Fel Vignette
by Mira-Terrik
Summary: Jag remembers his deceased siblings. Grab a hanky!


Hey there, brother ...  
  
There was a time where I thought the most difficult part of my job was writing families of pilots who died under my command. Finding words that are appropriate is never easy and I'll admit that on several occasions I copied the context of the message and affixed the corresponding name to it. Some might say that's cheating or that it's not personal. I say that when the pain of telling someone that a loved is gone gets to be too much and the words won't come - well, go with what you've got.  
  
I've discovered, however, that writing to those families is not the hard part. Writing to my own is.  
  
I don't need to tell you why you've received this letter, Jag.  
  
There is so much that I want to say you ... words of caution, words of encouragement, words of love. Where to begin? Well, I was never one to beat around the yukli bush, so here goes ...  
  
I guess I'll start with the words of caution. I know how anxious you are to get into the cockpit and soar among the stars. Hone your skills, Jag. Take the time to learn your craft and don't even venture out there until you feel that you've attained perfection in yourself. The universe is a dangerous place and you'll need to maintain your focus. That won't be hard for you, though. You've always been better at controlling your emotions than I was. I was always too passionate - that's not a bad thing, but there were times that I wished I could control myself a little better.  
  
Although self-control is a good trait to have, don't let it absorb you. Take the time to enjoy life! There is so much to see and do out there! I know that I've told you over and over again, but listen when I say that you can't bury yourself in duty. Don't let the military life consume you. I have been to places and seen things that I never thought I would and I always left with this incredible feeling of joy! Of peace! Don't stay in the uniform forever. Take it all off and run naked on the beach every now and then ... I guarantee you'll feel better!  
  
Okay, maybe you shouldn't go to THAT extreme ... but you know what I mean! Live, Jag! Live and love!  
  
Okay, it's time to be serious for a moment. I really want you to listen to me, little brother, because what I'm going to say next is not going to be easy for you to hear but you NEED to hear it. I've been thinking hard about what words of encouragement to give you and I find myself stumbling over what to say. I think I have what I was looking for, so listen up.  
  
Now that I'm gone, there is going to be a lot of responsibility heaped onto your shoulders. A lot is going to be expected of you and there is going to be times where you'll feel as if it is too much to bear. Don't let it weigh you down. Accept the responsibility and do the best that you can. Don't ever tell yourself that you can't handle it because I know you can. You're strong, Jag. You've got a good head on your shoulders and I know that you'll prevail at all that you do.  
  
The Fel name will live on through you. Our Father's legacy will now carry on through you. There were times that knowledge overwhelmed me too ... we're the sons of the Great Baron Soontir Fel! How are we expected to live up to his reputation?! Not only that, but our uncle is the Great General Wedge Antilles! How are we suppose to live up to those two?  
  
The answer to that is a very simple one - We don't. We carve out our paths to glory and victory. We follow what is best for us and we become the best that we can be. That' s how you can continue our name and legacy, Jag - By being yourself. People will remember you by YOUR actions. Not Father's. Not mine.  
  
Mother and the girls are going to need you more than ever now, little brother. Obviously, Father's duties keep him away from home most of the time and even though you're at the academy, you'll be home more than he will. Cherith and Inez will have a lot of questions and they will come to you for the answers. Don't sugar-coat it for them. Be honest. Tell them not what they want to hear - Tell them what they NEED to hear. Reina's still pretty small ... her memories of me might be a little fuzzy. Please, don't let her forget me, Jag. I know I wasn't around for her a lot, but I don't want to become just a name in her mind. Tell her everything about me.  
  
There are a few things that I regret but none as great as the pain that Mother must be feeling. I wish I could have spared her this agony. She's a strong woman with a passionate heart ... I fear that she'll retreat behind her sorrow and put away the lively woman who is our mother. I know that Father won't let that happen, but I fear it, Jag. I fear that she may not handle my death well. I guess that's a natural thing for me to think about ... I mean, how does any parent deal with the death of a child? Mother - although strong - is fragile and she'll need all of you. I know you'll be there for her ... Just don't let her fade away, okay? Remind her every now and then that even though I'm gone, I am always with her.  
  
I have many wonderful memories that I will be taking with me but the ones that I will carry closer to my heart are the ones of my family. I have stated in my letters to the others which of those memories are my favourite ... it is difficult to choose.  
  
Remember the first time we ventured up to Curando's Point? It was after we stayed up and watched that horror holo - "Flesh-eating Skulls." Okay, I admit that it was really cheesy, but at the time it was scary! Anyway, you had come into my room because you thought there were skulls hiding under your bed and, well - I never told you, Jag, but I thought they were hiding in my closet.  
  
So, off we went to Curando's Point. That night was so crisp and clear ... It was is if all the stars had come together just for us. We had stretched out on the rocks and watched the sky. I don't remember how long we stayed there and I don't recall all of what we talked about. The only thing that I truly remember is how much I wanted for us to be able to one day fly among those stars. You and me. We'd travel to the farthest reaches of the galaxy and defend innocents from evil. We'd celebrate at the finest bars and then move along to the next victory. Davin and Jagged Fel ... Invincible pilots and heroes to the Galaxy.  
  
Only one of us can be that hero now.  
  
You've been more than my little brother, Jag. You've been my best friend. No matter where I was or what I was doing, I could not wait to return home and see my family and then - just like when were kids - sneak out of the house when everyone was asleep and go up to Curando's Point with you. It didn't matter that we didn't speak sometimes when we were there. Just being with my brother at our favourite place was more than enough.  
  
I'm sorry that we never had the chance to fly together. I'm sorry that I left you at a time when you were just blossoming into your own ... I've seen your scores at the sims, Jag. You're going to be a damn good pilot once you graduate and I have a feeling that you're going to become a great leader someday ... You've inherited Father's tactical mind - well, if one can inherit such a thing. I have every confidence in you ... I only wish that I could be there to see you become the man you are destined to be.  
  
Well ... This battle is over. The lights in the cockpit have dimmed.  
  
Make me proud, brother.  
  
Love,  
  
Davin  
  
*************************  
  
Jagged Fel had read the letter so often in the last week that he knew the words by heart.  
  
He wondered why he bothered to read it as often as he did. Perhaps it was because it was the last thing Davin had left for him ... Perhaps it was his way of keeping his brother alive. Or perhaps he needed to read it in order to convince himself that he was really gone - Because his heart refused to believe it.  
  
There wasn't a cloud in the sky this night. Jag laid flat on his back - hands folded over his chest, legs crossed at the ankles. There was a gentle breeze that carried up from the ocean, the light scent of seaweed tickled his nose. A long sigh escaped him as his stare slowly traced the sky.  
  
When they were little, they had come up here after their parents were asleep and they had spent hours talking and laughing about things of importance and things that were too silly to mention in the presence of others. They had counted the stars overhead. They had challenged each other to name the constellations. They had shared dreams of becoming the best pilots in the Unknown Regions and they had envisioned a world where they could venture out to the rest of the galaxy and engage in wild adventures. They had talked about girls they had crushes on, their father's achievements ... They had spent countless hours plotting revenge on their sisters for some practical joke they had played on them.  
  
Curando's Point didn't quite seem the same now.  
  
In the week since Davin's death, it had become a lonely place. Jag had come here not just in the night when he could not sleep, but in the daytime as well. He needed to be away from his family - needed to sort through his feelings on his own. **Davin asked me to be strong ... but how can I? My brother is DEAD.**  
  
The light touch of footsteps startled him. Turning his head to the left, he frowned when he saw the lone figure approaching him. Her pale blue nightgown swirled around her bare feet as she climbed the rocks and her long blonde hair was tied loosely back from her face with a white ribbon. When she reached the top of the hill, she straightened her gown and looked down at him - her brilliant green eyes sparkled with unshed tears.  
  
Before he could sit up, she plopped down next to him, laying on the rocks in the same pose as Jag. Her toes wiggled as the wind tickled across them. "I knew I'd find you up here."  
  
Jag nodded. "What are you doing up at this hour?"  
  
"Same as you. I couldn't sleep." Her voice was soft - the hint of a Corellian accent could be heard. It was always more predominant when she was emotional.  
  
He felt her eyes on him but he found he could not look at her. He knew that if he did, he would see the pain in her eyes - the sorrow in her expression - and it would be too much. He would break down and cry and he did not want that. **I need to be strong ... but how?** he thought once more.  
  
Jag had decided days ago that the only way he could be strong was to shut out the pain. He would disconnect it and feel nothing. If he looked at his sister now and saw how much she was hurting, all his steely resolve would dissipate.  
  
"It's a beautiful night." Her voice stirred him from his thoughts. "So clear ... It's like you can see forever."  
  
He focused his stare on the Dinob Constellation - or at least what he and Davin had thought was the Dinob Constellation. There was an old legend about that particular cluster of stars ... A tale about a great soldier from times long forgotten who had once fought on the side of evil. He had sacrificed himself in the name of good and the constellation had been named for him.  
  
"You know, there is a girl at school who says that when people die, their souls become stars and that they go up into the sky so that every night their loved ones can look up and see them."  
  
He turned his head slightly and studied her. Her breathing was shaky - he knew she was struggling to keep her emotions in check. "Do you believe that?"  
  
A small laugh escaped her. "Of course not! However ..." She tilted her head as if contemplating her next words. "It would be nice to know that Davin was up there, watching over us."  
  
Not knowing what to say, Jag returned his stare skyward.  
  
He felt the gentle press of fingers against his skin. He hesitated for a moment then turned his palm upward. Her fingers laced with his and he squeezed softly. "Jag?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I'm scared."  
  
When he looked at her this time, he found that he could no longer keep his composure. The look of despair and sadness in his sister's eyes brought an unbearable ache to his heart. When he spoke, his own words wavered in the midnight air. "Scared of what, Cherith?"  
  
A single tear rolled down her cheek. "Growing up." She paused for a moment, took a deep breath, then continued. "It's easy when we're kids because we have our parents to take care of us. I know I'm safe when they're around." Her throat tightened, and Cherith's chest seemed to contract with the pain she was feeling. Jag squeezed her hand in comfort.  
  
"When I grow up, Mom and Dad won't be there all the time to look after me. Dad has always protected us but when Davin went away ... Dad wasn't there and Davin died." She choked on a sob as more tears fell. "I don't blame him, of course, but if Dad was there, he could have saved Davin, right?"  
  
His lips tightened into a grim line. Jag struggled to hold his sister's stare - her question lingered between them. He had accused their father of not being there for Davin - he had blamed his father outright for his brother's death and even though he had apologized and made amends with him the day of Davin's memorial service, his placement of censure still shamed him.  
  
He cursed silently as he felt the rise of his own tears. "I don't know, Cherith." He wished he had another answer for her. Again, he squeezed her hand. "It's okay to be scared ... and you'll never be alone. I'm here. I'll protect you."  
  
Cherith seemed to take comfort in that. She nodded slowly, raising her other hand to swipe at the moistness on her cheeks. "Promise me something, okay? Promise that you won't go away."  
  
Jag drew a sharp breath. "I can't promise that."  
  
"Yes, you can."  
  
He shook his head slowly. "No, I can't. I don't know what -"  
  
"You just said that you'll be here for me. That you'll protect me." Cherith narrowed her stare.  
  
"I did -"  
  
"Then it should be easy for you to promise that you won't go away."  
  
"Cherith, I -" He hesitated, seeing the pools of tears begin to surface once again in his sister's emerald green eyes. **She's eleven years old ... How can I explain these things to her? She won't fully understand.** He dropped his gaze for a moment, pondering his reply. Sighing heavily, he looked back at her.  
  
"I promise I won't go away."  
  
A smile touched her lips, carrying up into her eyes. She folded her other hand on their laced fingers. "I promise I won't go away, either."  
  
Silence lingered between them. Cherith closed her eyes as Jag looked back up at the night sky. In his mind's eye, he saw his brother flying - weaving intricate patterns between all the constellations in the universe. He could see his brother smiling as he guided his ship through a high-risk manoeuvre. He could see his brother flying in from the west - and as he soared past the point, the ship would jostle slightly in a friendly wave.  
  
Hot tears stung his eyes and trickled down his cheek.  
  
"Good-bye, Davin."  
  
  
  
---------------------  
  
  
  
It had been five years since he had last stood on the hilltop.  
  
The waves crashed along the shore in a violent rhythm - It was if nature itself knew what he was feeling. The wind was bitter and swirled around him - the harshness stinging his eyes. Clouds rolled in from the north-west, blocking out the sky and the water seemed almost black as the storm continued to build at a quickening pace.  
  
He didn't know long he had stood at the peak of Curando's Point. Jag's stare was focused on an invisible spot somewhere on the horizon. His lips were pulled back in a grim line and the tears that wanted desperately to fall tried to push past the barricade he had erected around himself.  
  
In his hand was a white silk ribbon. His fingers worked over the thin material, weaving it gently back and forth. The movement might have soothed him at one point. Now, it only brought an ache that threatened to spill into his soul.  
  
When Davin had died, he had been a student at the academy. He had been on leave when his father had brought word that his brother had been killed.  
  
Three days ago he had watched Cherith die in a battle that should have never been fought. He had arrived too late to provide adequate assistance and had watched his sister die.  
  
This time, there was someone to blame for her death.  
  
The clouds opened up and rain spilled heavily from the sky. He squinted against the onslaught, unsure if the moistness he felt on his cheeks was the rain or his own tears.  
  
**This is my fault, Cherith. I was suppose to protect you and I failed.**  
  
The ribbon slipped from his fingers, carrying on the wind and out to sea. 


End file.
